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I'm sick today... I think it's a chest cold because my chest hurts when I breathe and feels really heavy and sore (like a bruise). Thankfully, I am off for the next 2 days.

My Dad would always come see me when I was sick, and bring me Gatorade. If I was out of state (as I am now) I could at least call him and he would tell me to feel better. Other people say it, but it's not the same. I want my Dad.

I keep hearing that "it gets better", but it isn't getting better for me. It seems like it's actually getting worse. I have a hard time sleeping, constant panic attacks, and I stopped eating weeks ago. I'm dizzy a lot from not having enough calories in my system. I am always tired, and all I want to do is sleep. My endo is flaring up again.

Maybe it has something to do with Xmas and my birthday coming up. Every time I think about it, I feel sick. I don't know which is worse... the lack of family and a solid support system down here, or being home where the absence of him is being constantly shoved in my face, every where I turn. In all honesty, I love my job and everything here, but I think what I actually need is time off. A lot of time. I've been trying to keep going because I was afraid that if I stopped, I would fall apart. Now, I am realizing that I am falling apart anyway.

I don't think our society has an adequate idea of mourning. The fact that most jobs give you 3 days bereavement leave is just asinine. Who is ready to go back to their "normal" life, their job, in 3 days?? Granted, it's been months for me, but I still don't feel ready. In fact, I feel less ready every day.

I think I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I've been reading about it for a few months, and at first I didn't think so, but now, rereading some of the signs and looking at my life, I realize that I've become a poster child for PTSD. I don't reach out to friends because they can't help me. My husband is wonderful, but it isn't fair to put this all on him. He is just one person, and he is grieving, too. I feel like I am demanding too much from him already, though he would never say that.

For the first time in my life, I am afraid I am on the edge of really losing it, and losing it when things are going so well. I have tremendous opportunity here, and I'm scared I may blow it because I can't keep it together.

Yesterday was 9 months.


Dad's hand
Missing Dad

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