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I needed to get this out . . .

Last night, it was good that I wasn't feeling deep in grief because it really took my toll today. I go to counseling at the university I attended and where my Daddy taught chemistry. It is very difficult for me to go by the building where he taught, but there isn't really any other choice. It's right there. I only have to pass by it, though. I don't have to go up there.

Anyway, last night, this guy who is a former coworker of one of my friends wanted to chat with me on IM. I was fine with that. It was okay when he was just chatting about this guys friends and whatnot, but I really was not going to discuss anything in depth with the guy.

So, he starts trying to act like he knows what it's like to lose a parent when he's not lost a parent.

He freakin' tells me "The memories will fade." I DON'T WANT THE MEMORIES TO FADE!!!! What an idiot!

He was all, "I had close friends who died," like he knows what it's like, but HE HAS NO IDEA!!! He has his mom and his dad.

I no longer have that male parent around. I hadn't found a husband yet and when I do, I won't have a Daddy to guide me into that next phase of life.

He has no idea what it is like to have your dad suddenly go into cardiac arrest RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES and have the hospital attendents all start working on him (Yeah, it IS like in ER where a person yells "Oh shit!" and they all go to work on the patient. It IS that scary.)

Then, they took him to go work on him and I was having fun talking with my friend who came for support because before she arrived, they had told us that he was okay. They were still working on my dad when they had me, my sister, and my friend join my mom back in one of those little rooms (not a good sign).

They kept working on him, and they couldn't bring him back a fourth time. I'm sure it's better for him to be in heaven and not here living and maybe not even wanting to continue with life.

However, it's so scary, and sad, and frightening, and numbing . . . and ANYBODY WHO HAS NOT LOST A PARENT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND!!!

Besides, this guy was so stupid with everything he said. He kept saying how the memories would fade. Then he kept saying how the memories wouldn't pervade my life and I WANT THOSE MEMORIES!!! I WANT THEM!!! Stupid idiot . . .

He's 28 . . . I'm 26 . . . and I still felt like he was such a little kid because of the way he was acting. I hated it all . . . he was so rude . . .


Dad's hand
Missing Dad

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